Let me just tell you why I am paranoid like that.
I do not really remember the first time. Probably that time when we were in Cubao Expo and I happened to be standing and you were sitting in front of me reading a text message. It said, "Kamusta pakikipag-sex sa Guadalupe?" That was after the day when you left at around 11AM and went back home at 5PM. You said you had a client who asked you to read for them. I pretended not to notice that and tried so hard to keep to myself. I let it pass.
Then I found out that you were posting messages/ads on that late-night TV chat service where people go to to hook up. Speaking of which, you still maintained your account in a popular hook-up website for gay men, along with your contacts there whom you said were your "friends". I let it pass.
One day, you brought home something nasty. That was when your infidelity became too obvious to deny. I said I already know that there was no reading for a client and that you did not go to Rockwell and spent 6 hours there. I did not mention that I read your messages where you were asking for directions on how to go to a place. I wanted to blurt them all out and slap them to your face. But I did not. You said you were sorry. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. That maybe I haven't been giving you what you want. I hugged you and let it pass.
There was also one time when we were just lounging in bed together when you got a text message asking for phone sex. I was right there. Sure it's just over the phone, but that doesn't make any difference for me even if you did it on the physical level. I pretended to take it lightly and even joked about it. Needless to say, I let it pass.
The next instance was on the 25th of June 2011. It was a stormy day. I told you I will go home to my mom and borrow some cash. You will be left alone but I needed the money, so reluctantly I went. I had a hard time traveling because of the storm and I was cold and wet and hungry. You told me to just spend the night at my mother's place since it's late. I decided to go back. I arrived at 3AM and found you sleeping in the living room. When I got to our room there was a plastic bag with two used condoms inside. I asked you what that was. Pretty rhetorical, I know, but I want to hear what you will say. You just hugged me and said you were sorry. I didn't know how to react. I wanted to kill someone with my bare hands that day. The treachery is just too much for me and all I could do was cry.
I started to pack my things by the morning and prepared to leave. You were crying too and stopping me. I said I can't go on with that kind of shit that you're doing. A few hours after, words drowned in tears, I decided to stay. My self was screaming at me on how stupid I was and that I will probably regret that decision later. But I said I have never loved someone like you before nor ever. You were my last shot. You were the impossible wish that came true. The Universe fucked with me. Maybe it's worth another chance. To compensate, I told my self that I will be in a watchful trust. That I will always keep an eye on things that were off.
There probably were other instances that I would never know about and you would never tell. I just resigned myself to the idea that maybe I can never get everything that I hoped for.
I had mostly been cheated on in my past relationships. My mother was cheated on by my father. That was months before he died. I have never forgiven him nor spoken to him since. I have never forgiven nor spoken to any of my exes too. They are all like the square root of negative one to me: they don't exist, save in the imagination.
And the mind's a bitch. It won't let you forget those things you rather would.
Pardon me if it seems that I do not trust you. It will take time for me to do that. There's just been too muchBesides, I never got a commitment from you that you will never do those things that you did before ever again. I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing that I can bank on.
Pardon me if I snoop around and is very moody at times when I sense something is not right. There had been a lot of things that I let pass and maybe I owe myself a favor not to get cheated on again. I am ready to give you an infinite number of chances to come absolutely clean. Without anything to hide at all. No secrets, like how I am to you. I love you that much that no matter how painful it can get and how it can drive me to nigh-insanity, I will bear it.
You probably are getting tired and annoyed that I keep going through these things over and over. Sometimes it becomes very irrational. I am not justifying but I will just ask you this: given everything that happened, can you blame me?
Sincerely,
Me
