Pardon Me

Dear you,

Let me just tell you why I am paranoid like that.

I do not really remember the first time. Probably that time when we were in Cubao Expo and I happened to be standing and you were sitting in front of me reading a text message. It said, "Kamusta pakikipag-sex sa Guadalupe?" That was after the day when you left at around 11AM and went back home at 5PM. You said you had a client who asked you to read for them. I pretended not to notice that and tried so hard to keep to myself. I let it pass.

Then I found out that you were posting messages/ads on that late-night TV chat service where people go to to hook up. Speaking of which, you still maintained your account in a popular hook-up website for gay men, along with your contacts there whom you said were your "friends". I let it pass.

One day, you brought home something nasty. That was when your infidelity became too obvious to deny. I said I already know that there was no reading for a client and that you did not go to Rockwell and spent 6 hours there. I did not mention that I read your messages where you were asking for directions on how to go to a place. I wanted to blurt them all out and slap them to your face. But I did not. You said you were sorry. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. That maybe I haven't been giving you what you want. I hugged you and let it pass.

There was also one time when we were just lounging in bed together when you got a text message asking for phone sex. I was right there. Sure it's just over the phone, but that doesn't make any difference for me even if you did it on the physical level. I pretended to take it lightly and even joked about it. Needless to say, I let it pass.

The next instance was on the 25th of June 2011. It was a stormy day. I told you I will go home to my mom and borrow some cash. You will be left alone but I needed the money, so reluctantly I went. I had a hard time traveling because of the storm and I was cold and wet and hungry. You told me to just spend the night at my mother's place since it's late. I decided to go back. I arrived at 3AM and found you sleeping in the living room. When I got to our room there was a plastic bag with two used condoms inside. I asked you what that was. Pretty rhetorical, I know, but I want to hear what you will say. You just hugged me and said you were sorry. I didn't know how to react. I wanted to kill someone with my bare hands that day. The treachery is just too much for me and all I could do was cry.

I started to pack my things by the morning and prepared to leave. You were crying too and stopping me. I said I can't go on with that kind of shit that you're doing. A few hours after, words drowned in tears, I decided to stay. My self was screaming at me on how stupid I was and that I will probably regret that decision later. But I said I have never loved someone like you before nor ever. You were my last shot. You were the impossible wish that came true. The Universe fucked with me. Maybe it's worth another chance. To compensate, I told my self that I will be in a watchful trust. That I will always keep an eye on things that were off.

There probably were other instances that I would never know about and you would never tell. I just resigned myself to the idea that maybe I can never get everything that I hoped for.

I had mostly been cheated on in my past relationships. My mother was cheated on by my father. That was months before he died. I have never forgiven him nor spoken to him since. I have never forgiven nor spoken to any of my exes too. They are all like the square root of negative one to me: they don't exist, save in the imagination.

And the mind's a bitch. It won't let you forget those things you rather would.

Pardon me if it seems that I do not trust you. It will take time for me to do that. There's just been too muchBesides, I never got a commitment from you that you will never do those things that you did before ever again. I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing that I can bank on.

Pardon me if I snoop around and is very moody at times when I sense something is not right. There had been a lot of things that I let pass and maybe I owe myself a favor not to get cheated on again. I am ready to give you an infinite number of chances to come absolutely clean. Without anything to hide at all. No secrets, like how I am to you. I love you that much that no matter how painful it can get and how it can drive me to nigh-insanity, I will bear it. 

You probably are getting tired and annoyed that I keep going through these things over and over. Sometimes it becomes very irrational. I am not justifying but I will just ask you this: given everything that happened, can you blame me?

Sincerely,

Me

Proving Yourself Wrong

A couple of months back, my boyfriend Jade said he will be attending the Task Force Pride meeting for the 2012 Pride March. I was reluctant then, given the experience I had with last year's march. Skeptical even. I said it was a total waste of time.

I kinda felt he was miffed by what I said so I stayed quiet. Then in an oh-what-the-hell moment, I said okay, I will go too.

It didn't occur to me that I will be thrown into something far bigger than what I imagined.

I used to complain and criticize about how things were done. After that meeting, I had the realization that if you want something done, do it yourself. So here I am, heading the Program Committee of the 2012 Metro Manila Pride March and working doubly hard to make it the biggest, the grandest yet in all Pride Marches past.

There is a call I want to make to all my lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered friends out there. Do something. I know it's easier to be your own kind of hedonist: working your ass off, then party, then hook some random person up. But it's time to go out there and prove to yourself (yes, yourself) that you are more than just that. That you can be and do so much more. That you are not defined by your labels but by what you can do to make this society better for each one of us, no matter what your sexual orientation may be. And it's time to tell everyone where your PRIDE is.

To you who are reading this entry, join me. Whether you're straight, gay, lesbian, hipster, dinosaur. It doesn't matter. If you believe in equality, in a better society, in doing so much more than what you do right now, go to the Metro Manila Pride March Facebook page and show us your support.

Prove yourself wrong, like what I did myself.

Winter Is Coming

Five years ago, I didn't have a constant internet connection. But I blogged - in notebooks. I have volumes of those, some of which I have no idea where. I consider myself lucky to have kept a few of them.

Here's one entry that I kinda like and remember fondly. It was written on 8 October 2007 at 5:20 in the morning. The title was "Constant".

I am afraid of constants. That's why I abhor Math; it's got loads of it.

Just what do you do when something you thought would be always there suddenly disappears? When such happens, you're left dumbfounded, your brain refusing to accept the fact being fed to it. Not without asking a couple of questions. What happened? Where did it go? And even then, the whole idea sinks in like stone in a tub of jelly.

I get too paranoid, spoiling the moment. I reprimand myself for being such but then I can't help but think. I know that I should get over it and enjoy, relish what I have now. Guess being happy could be overwhelmingly addictive, especially if it's too good to be true, and you wouldn't want to see it over. But alas, happiness, just like everything else, would eventually come to an end. And that's the scary part. What would I do if he no longer holds my hand? If he no longer calls in the middle of the night? If I no longer see the words "I love you" in my message inbox? What would I do if he's gone?

Cry? Pretend? Or die?

I wouldn't want to know. This fea of losing something that has become constant is actually driving him away.

How do you kill thoughts?

- In dia metuosum


I was such a hopeless emo kid back then! And the title should have been "inconstant" or "variables" since I talked about things that change.

Just sharing.

I Dream of Captain Jack

It's 4:34AM now, GMT+8. These are events from yesterday. 

After the grueling waiting process in a company only to be turned down, I went home with a massive headache. So I decided to take an evening nap after I had a late lunch with my boyfriend.

I dreamed of John Barrowman.

Well, not outright. There were some montage Doctor Who-ish scenes where I was on a train and had to punch the chests of zombie-like creatures to kill them. The setting, I gather, was in Baguio and we went to our friend's place there. There were hundreds of LCD TVs in their garage and they were wrapping it. There were also pine tree seedlings. Apparently, the trees were extinct and those are the only remaining stumps.

And then there was John Barrowman.

Dressed in his army coat, he was asking me about his picture in Filipino.

"Nasaan yung picture ko sa wallet mo?"

I took out my wallet, showed it to him and said, "Eto o." And he seemed satisfied after that.

Never mind that he was speaking to me in Filipino. The kilig was just overwhelming that the only thing that could overpower that is bacon.




I woke up to the smell of bacon. My housemate was cooking bacon-wrapped asparagus.


Oh damn.

HOT GUY IN ACTION!

Okay, I know that was a cheap move. But I really need you to read this post.


Last Saturday, I encountered a photo that has been passed around through Facebook about an old woman vendor named Lola Constancia. The story goes that she is already very weak and elderly but she still sells her merchandise everyday. There are even times that she's out late because she still hasn't sold everything. It broke my heart into a million pieces.

So I made a call out to all my Facebook contacts by sharing the photo and asking if anyone knew any information about the poor lady, since I mean to send out help in any way that I can. Another reason is that I had to make sure if the story is real.

Finally, an old friend and colleague of mine gave information regarding a website that attempted to consolidate the pledges to help her. The poor lady is said to reside in Antipolo. I also found out there that Lola Constancia's story has been featured in the show Kapuso Mo, Jessica Soho. Unfortunately, I think it failed to generate the needed action, both from the people and the local government. 

As of this post's publish date, the last update from the website was back in 2 July 2012. Nothing followed after that. I am not sure if the efforts to help Lola Constancia have ceased entirely or what, but I really want to know. I left my number and email address there and I am yet to receive communication from whoever maintains that site.

Now that I have raised awareness in you who are reading this right now, here comes my call for action. I urge you to go to the website that I mentioned earlier. Or to make your life easier, click here. A word of caution though: the form has a field that asks you how much you are going to pledge. Since nothing has been heard from them as of yet, I strongly suggest not placing any amount there. Don't worry, you will still be able to submit the form even if the field is left blank. Once I have confirmed about the most recent activities of this group, I will post an update and try to organize an outreach project so we can go extend our help personally.

If you have reached this point in this post, there is one more thing I ask you to do, and I ask this as a huge, huge favor: SHARE THIS. Share this to as many people as you can and ask them to do something as well. Raising awareness is well and good, but it is what you do with that awareness that matters more.

Earlier, I went to Ortigas to give my boyfriend's office ID which he left at home. On my way there, I saw three homeless, grubby beggar children sleeping on the cold concrete stairs of the MRT. It totally dawned on me how massively important the Cyber-crime Prevention Law is.


Lastly, I really apologize that there really are no hot guys in action here. It was a bad advertising tactic, an old trick in the bag. I just needed to get your attention and I think here I can say the end justifies the means. 


This is not illegal, and as long as there are children sleeping in MRT staircases and elderly people left without proper care, I will not be silent.

Silently Quoting Caligula

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, nicknamed "Caligula", was, as you may have guessed, a Roman Emperor. He has been portrayed a lot of times as a hedonistic, insane ruler given to excess.

I read up on him and found out that the first few years of his reign was actually celebrated by the populace. He removed a lot of taxes, gave prizes to the audience in the arena, and what-not. It is when the Empire went almost bankrupt that lost the people's love and he became an intolerable tyrant. Anyway, just do your own research.

I wrote this in light of the recent events in this country.

I have been trying to make sense out of all the clamor that is going on. I have read the Republic Act and I think it is good and really helpful except for a few things. And those few things are what everyone is fussing about. I am not sure if they know it when they drafted the bill, or if they knew it after it was blown out of proportion, but there is one theme prevalent amidst all the chaos.

Fear.

The thought of online freedom being curtailed makes us cringe. Every word you say can and will be used against you. Your electronically expressed thoughts may be used as prima facie evidence of violating the provisions stated in the law and without court order. While the law mostly reads harmless enough, it is the interpretation of it by those who have the power but not the discernment is what we are afraid of. We fear that the law will be abused, that even your most innocent little comment about how this country is being run will be considered libelous and can serve as your one-way ticket to jail. Underneath it all, we fear that this is the way cyber-bullied personages are getting back at us. And I think they are banking on that fear, if only to pull the reins on netizens gone wild. Hence, I imagine them silently quoting Caligula:

Oderint dum metuant.

But it is just an emotion, and as with all emotions, it clouds our better judgment. We might be tempted to answer in ways that we might regret. I have seen a lot of flaming status messages and I understand because humans' initial reaction to fear is hate. We would either fight or flee. But since it is a gruesome process to leave the country, we'd most likely choose the former.

Let them hate as long as they fear.

Hate is intense, blind hate even more. There goes your dangling bait.

I know that my fellow netizens are intelligent, discerning and creative. (Unfortunately, I am not generalizing. All baskets of society have rotten tomatoes.) I am pretty sure we will come up with a well-thought response to this seeming madness.

Oh, and by the way, Caligula is the first Roman Emperor to be assassinated. Cheers!


This is not illegal, but it is vague.

Black Tuesday

Drink Up!

So I just came to the realization that this blog is just the same as any kind of blog out there: daily updates of inane activities that nobody really cares about. What I had for breakfast/second breakfast/elevensies/luncheon/afternoon tea/dinner/supper, what TV/movie I just watched, et cetera ad nauseam.

I'm not really different. I might be part of the unthinking masses. But then, I am legally shackled so I better shut it.


My housemate Edward and I bought two 1.5-liter bottles of C2 and some chips for some midnight snack, just so you know. Drink up!


This is not illegal, but it is vague.

Let The Whatever Begin!

Welcome to my newest incarnation in the blogosphere! 

And welcome to the Cyber Philippines! I hope you find your stay awfully boring and un-intellectual.

Oh, earlier I had a very disappointing dinner where what was advertised wasn't necessarily true. I have been thinking of what to post without getting sued by the government, so there.

This is not illegal but it is vague. Let the whatever begin!