Five years ago, I didn't have a constant internet connection. But I blogged - in notebooks. I have volumes of those, some of which I have no idea where. I consider myself lucky to have kept a few of them.
Here's one entry that I kinda like and remember fondly. It was written on 8 October 2007 at 5:20 in the morning. The title was "Constant".
I am afraid of constants. That's why I abhor Math; it's got loads of it.
Just what do you do when something you thought would be always there suddenly disappears? When such happens, you're left dumbfounded, your brain refusing to accept the fact being fed to it. Not without asking a couple of questions. What happened? Where did it go? And even then, the whole idea sinks in like stone in a tub of jelly.
I get too paranoid, spoiling the moment. I reprimand myself for being such but then I can't help but think. I know that I should get over it and enjoy, relish what I have now. Guess being happy could be overwhelmingly addictive, especially if it's too good to be true, and you wouldn't want to see it over. But alas, happiness, just like everything else, would eventually come to an end. And that's the scary part. What would I do if he no longer holds my hand? If he no longer calls in the middle of the night? If I no longer see the words "I love you" in my message inbox? What would I do if he's gone?
Cry? Pretend? Or die?
I wouldn't want to know. This fea of losing something that has become constant is actually driving him away.
How do you kill thoughts?
- In dia metuosum
I was such a hopeless emo kid back then! And the title should have been "inconstant" or "variables" since I talked about things that change.
Just sharing.
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