28 January 2014

Under Pressure

video courtesy of YouTube


Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking.
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?


A few days ago, I wrote here about something that happened to me for the very first time in my sex life. It was a condition that not a lot of guys will readily admit to (wait for it!): sexual performance anxiety. And I kinda figured out why I had that that time. It's just me pressuring myself all along. 

I have a tendency to over-think sometimes and that day was one particular occasion. I was pressured by the idea that this guy is expecting a lot from me and I have to measure up to it (so to speak) in an attempt to satisfy and do a job well done. Or at least a pat on the bum. These kinds of thoughts distract the mind and result in inattentiveness, hence diverting attention from the pleasure part of the act.

That was what was wrong. I did a couple of further readings on the topic on the Interwebs (since I'm a believer of self-help options but mostly it is stinginess in my part) and found another good legit read. It mentioned there something about talking it over with your sex partner. I may just be a very lucky guy since we can openly and objectively discuss such things over without feeling awkward. We have smoothed out some things and his open-mindedness was very helpful for me. Also helpful was when he told me the things I did to him *wink* that he really liked. Communication was the key. And so, we will give it another shot. Innuendo intentional.

Finally, this line from the website hit it spot on:  

"... take it easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up about your appearance or ability in bed.

HELL TO THE YEAH-EH! Why was I pressuring myself when I know what I can do masterfully? After that conversation over Twitter, I totally got over it and boosted my self-confidence back to its normal levels. I was, shall we say, locked and loaded and ready to roll!

Sharing this experience publicly was not meant to stir anything nor to just draw empty attention. Rather, I hope it can serve as something helpful for the others who experience sexual performance anxiety every now and then in their lives. It's something normal and it can happen to a lot of people - men, women, gay, lesbian, or whatever-it-is-you-like-to-stick-in-yourself.  And there is no harm in admitting that. The first step to solving problems is admission. And courage is needed to do that. Help will always be available. Just ask for it.

No pressure. Enjoy the ride!

25 January 2014

Performance Anxiety


What is bothering me?

After three years of being in a relationship, I am once again embracing singlehood and all the perks that come with it. I am not one to dwell too long in moving on from a relationship. To be frank, I tried hooking up, like most single people do.

So it started quite unlike how most hookups go. This is someone I've known for quite some time. He just happened to be single as well so I didn't see any problem with that. So we hit it. Now the sex, I will not detail. That's something private. But this much I will tell: I lost it in the middle of the act.

That is something that has never happened to me. I told him that. And of course it is outright embarrassing. I was there, feeling like a naked newt, staring at the face of my huge failure as a stud. I also felt disbelief. Like I said, that has never happened to me. I am 27, young in most respects, some would say I'm even at my peak. So the first question that crossed my mind was: WHY?

Performance anxiety. I never knew I had it. I never knew I will have it. I thought this will happen in middle-aged men, not for younger ones. But apparently it chooses no age. So I read up on it. I stumbled on an article from AskMen. There was a passage there that struck me:



"We have socialized ourselves to think of sex as an act, a performance, with an expected role we are supposed to conform to. Maybe our anxiety around sex comes from the expectations imposed on masculinity in our culture, from watching porn, from our depictions of how men act in the media, from fears or insecurities that fuel this need to perform. It could be because of our desire for partner or peer validation that we think we need to excel in something that every man is supposed to be a stud at doing.

How many times have you thought about your sexual performance? How long you lasted, how good or bad you were in bed, what your partner thought of the sex, a past sexual experience that didn’t go as planned? For many guys, these questions fill our minds and often stay with us. We begin to add pressure and weight on our shoulders that we carry into the bedroom. Why are we worrying about outcomes vs. enjoying the ride?"

I wasn't one to blame my sexual partner for anything like this. I own up to it. And like what I told him, "The onus always falls on the top. It's a sort of an unwritten rule." So maybe that's what was wrong. I was pressuring myself to perform well. I got too anxious and worried. There is a sort of reputation that has to be sort of upheld. Or maybe that message that I am competing with others for this. I don't know. Maybe I needed to get rid of those things in my head and just, as mentioned, enjoy the ride.

I may need to reflect. In probably an attempt to console, he said I am not someone who would seek the services of a shrink. I am probably better than them (I'm quoting him here). I guess admitting having this unusual problem (at least for me) is a good first step. It is nothing to be ashamed of, I guess, although it could be very, very embarrassing. It takes someone of some mettle to go through that.

That being said, I may need to ask myself indeed, what is bothering me?


Answers to follow.

22 January 2014

Making Fortune Work

As a Fire Tiger born in the year 1986, Chinese predictions for me this year said this is a wildly lucky year in all aspects of my life. I am someone who's skeptical of these things and I read them for entertainment. I still believe that we make our own Fate based on the choices we have in life. But that news is somewhat welcome, given the crappy year I had last. So this month, friends and I made plans on what we want to achieve for this year. We even got a huge corkboard for that so we can track our progress.

But here we are, languishing and letting each day pass without doing anything to achieve those plans. The lethargy vortex at home is no longer fun. Inside me, I am itching to go out there and do something. Anything. We must not let this drag us down. I can't just lie about and let my luck work for me. It never worked like that.


They say Fortune favors the brave. I say it favors those who do even the least something.

2014, here I come!

15 January 2014

Rebuilding After The Destruction

Well, I am back.

Almost a year of a dry spell and I am back here. Rebuilding from the debris of 2013. Shitty year, I must say.

November of last year, a gifted friend did a reading on me. He said that the end of the year and early of 2014 will be marked with upheavals in my personal life. I was never one who easily subscribed to what Fate brings. I have always rebelled against it, gone against the flow.

"What if I fight it?" I asked a few months after the reading.
"It will hold. But it will be like building a dam out of matchsticks. It's bound to happen, sooner or later," he replied.

I was wracked with swirling emotions. Mostly anger about the inevitability of Fate. Aren't we supposed to control our own? Why can't I?

So I delayed it. Doing nothing but trying to keep the status quo. But realization dawned that it indeed can only hold for so long. So with a feeling like getting stabbed repeatedly in the heart, I resigned to it. I let go.

Photo credit here.


What's one to do in the face of futility? How do you respond when the Universe laughs at your face for trying so damn hard to fight the inevitable? There are so many things that I wanted to say to him but I don't even know where to begin. And I feel like such an asshole for not even giving a believable explanation of my actions. I do not know if he understands, but I hope he would. I also hope that he will have the resilience to go through this. Maybe someday, we can get to talk about it objectively. Without the tears. Without the slicing pain in the chest. Without the desire to go back and build a dam out of matchsticks. Honestly speaking, I am lost. I do not know where to begin.

Well, the dam burst and the rushing waters destroyed everything in its path.

We need to get up out of this rubble and start rebuilding things. But this time, separately.
I wish him the best.
I really do.